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Pulled Underwater

Dear Universe,

Sometimes you are simply too much all at once. This was a tough, tough day. Thank God for my car. And Jennifer, my best friend from 7th grade, my "sobbing in the car" phone buddy, even though she is thousands of miles away.

I've been bookending my days (mornings, evenings) with a visit to the hospital every day. Since Wednesday of this week, I've been throwing in hours in the office. Today is Friday, and it was Jon's first full day on the Rehab unit floor. Apparently it was also my day to have a breakdown.

I was so looking forward to this day--in fact, to celebrate, I brought a tray of breakfast snacks to the floor. The unit team is wonderful, and I'm so happy Jon is able to get such wonderful care in a great facility. I think what came as a shock was how long the road seems to be right now. I was completely unprepared for everything today, the same way I was totally unprepared for everything the night of the stroke.

All the possible scenarios come out you all at once, through the tiniest of details, and you are thrown way down into a black hole of the worst parts of your imagination. A universe without seeing Jon ever again, a universe when he never recovers, or regains consciousness, or speaks. Being handed his wedding ring, asked his religion, whether he could talk before he came to the hospital. Seeing a drain tube in his head was easier than seeing a walker in this room.

I'm screaming inside my head--He ran four New York City Marathons! He has a master's degree in public administration, he ran immigrant affairs under Mayor David Dinkins! He speaks two languages fluently! YES GODDAMMIT HE COULD TALK AND WALK AND LIVE ON HIS OWN. Everything that's good in my life is possible because of Jon Ho and I REFUSE TO LET THIS HAPPEN!

When his medical progress improved, and stabilized, I thought we had hit a major milestone, it could only be good from here. I was wrong.

Between the unresolved legal and financial issues, the stress of managing all the daily tasks solo, and the health questions, I think I've been stretched beyond my limit, I just didn't admit it. Then came the ridiculous needling on a work-related project, coupled with seeing Jon struggle with simple tasks and being so far from where he was just two weeks ago, and I just plain lost it. I thought I might have to deal with these things someday I just didn't think it would be last Wednesday.

It came in a wave that pushed me underwater, and I was suddenly in complete rage and turmoil--how dare this happen? My world has been turned upside down and it may be this way forever. Things might be manageable while Jon's a patient here, but what happens next? Please don't ask me if I'm ok I'm not ok things might never be ok again I don't know how long it will be when he recovers he might never recover I don't know how much he will regain I only know what might happen I'm really really scared every time I stop and think I need to be there with Jon I need to think about the kids I need to return Jon's library book I need to see a lawyer I need to do laundry I need to hire a housekeeper I need to wash my car I need to go through Jon's papers I need to I need to I need to

Stop. I need to stop.

I need to talk to someone sane, and I need to get some sleep. I need to stop fighting the tide of fear and the need to be strong and onslaught of fury. And come up for air.

And breathe.

And breathe.
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