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Shelter

What does it mean to be with someone through a serious health event, especially as a spouse?

I've been thinking about marriage lately, of course my own, but also the marriages of other friends who have been through hard times and circumstances themselves. 

In the daily back and forth of being with someone, it's easy to take things for granted. It's also hard work, and not always fun. And there is also the matter of giving the other person space to be an individual, all the while trying to grow together as a couple. I'll admit that one terrifying aspect of almost losing Jon is for selfish reasons--I've put so much of my life in our relationship, I just can't imagine things any other way. No one wants to think about that. It's like losing part of your self.

Every morning I pop wide awake, get the breakfast and lunch wrapped in foil for the kids, then head out to the hospital. It feels natural now, which is kind of scary, how we have adapted in an odd way. But I don't want to not go. I'd rather be tired than worried that he might be sad to not see me there in the morning and in the evening. 

And as much as I'd like to think I've always been a great partner, I know that isn't true. We've argued and held things against each other, sulked, and been petty as much as any couple, and it's been my fault more times that I care to admit. (I'm kind of hoping he doesn't have to recover those particular memories!)

But we're on unequal ground at the moment, and time for being a total support, and in some aspects, a watchdog and advocate. Maybe being partners is about giving the other person the best of yourself, in the way they need, and in the manner they can accept at the time.

Jon's given me so much of what I need in a relationship; support to pursue my goals, freedom to do the creative and wacky things I enjoy, just plain being there in the solid way he simply "is." I used to joke that Jon Ho doesn't dance because he's a human totem pole; he's meant to be danced around, not with. But maybe he's really more like a tent pole, propping up everyone else and giving us shelter from every possible storm. 

Love you baby, more than I know how to say.

Min









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  1. UnknownMay 9, 2017 at 4:10 AM

    Dear Min: You have such a talent for expressing the turmoil (and joy) of life as it is now, for you, for Jon, the kids. Reading this blog each day from faraway Malaysia brings Jon closer, but also reminds me of all that he and you will have to face going forward. Daunting maybe, but he is still Jon - and like you said, he will fight on to regain as much as he can. We're all with you, every step of the way, even if we can't be with you right there.

    Take care of yourself. You are a hero.

    Eileen

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