Skip to main content

Shelter

What does it mean to be with someone through a serious health event, especially as a spouse?

I've been thinking about marriage lately, of course my own, but also the marriages of other friends who have been through hard times and circumstances themselves. 

In the daily back and forth of being with someone, it's easy to take things for granted. It's also hard work, and not always fun. And there is also the matter of giving the other person space to be an individual, all the while trying to grow together as a couple. I'll admit that one terrifying aspect of almost losing Jon is for selfish reasons--I've put so much of my life in our relationship, I just can't imagine things any other way. No one wants to think about that. It's like losing part of your self.

Every morning I pop wide awake, get the breakfast and lunch wrapped in foil for the kids, then head out to the hospital. It feels natural now, which is kind of scary, how we have adapted in an odd way. But I don't want to not go. I'd rather be tired than worried that he might be sad to not see me there in the morning and in the evening. 

And as much as I'd like to think I've always been a great partner, I know that isn't true. We've argued and held things against each other, sulked, and been petty as much as any couple, and it's been my fault more times that I care to admit. (I'm kind of hoping he doesn't have to recover those particular memories!)

But we're on unequal ground at the moment, and time for being a total support, and in some aspects, a watchdog and advocate. Maybe being partners is about giving the other person the best of yourself, in the way they need, and in the manner they can accept at the time.

Jon's given me so much of what I need in a relationship; support to pursue my goals, freedom to do the creative and wacky things I enjoy, just plain being there in the solid way he simply "is." I used to joke that Jon Ho doesn't dance because he's a human totem pole; he's meant to be danced around, not with. But maybe he's really more like a tent pole, propping up everyone else and giving us shelter from every possible storm. 

Love you baby, more than I know how to say.

Min









Labels:

Comments

  1. UnknownMay 9, 2017 at 4:10 AM

    Dear Min: You have such a talent for expressing the turmoil (and joy) of life as it is now, for you, for Jon, the kids. Reading this blog each day from faraway Malaysia brings Jon closer, but also reminds me of all that he and you will have to face going forward. Daunting maybe, but he is still Jon - and like you said, he will fight on to regain as much as he can. We're all with you, every step of the way, even if we can't be with you right there.

    Take care of yourself. You are a hero.

    Eileen

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cognition / Re-Cognition

The brain is a mystery and a marvel. When I'm in my clearer moments of being (my normal cycle is calm/productive, then exhausted, in between there are still crying jags and feeling despair/guilt/anxiety, but mostly that's limited to when I'm alone in the car. By the way, this has always been my escape pod. My memoir could be titled "Crying in my car: One Woman's Relationship with her Car") I turn over the facts of the clinical case in my mind, over and over. So yesterday, our darling niece was planning to come by for a visit. So I let Jon know before Alex and I left in the late afternoon. He rolled his eyes and went "humph." Our darling girl is a sweetheart and we love her tremendously, but she is 1) a youngster and 2) an Angeleno, which means plans change and traffic can dictate anyone's whole day. So he expressed his usual skepticism that she would be on time, or arrive at all. When I came back in the evening with Casey, Casey asked "H...
2 comments
Read more

Things I'm thinking about

1. Jon's blood pressure, the EVD and his cranial pressure, and his feeding tube (when he can come off it.) especially the feeding tube. That totally blows having it in, since he has chewing and swallowing down just fine. 2. Corey's AP Chem test on Monday. He seems pretty cool and confident about it, and seriously seems to have his act together on several fronts. I would be a hot mess in his shoes, but he's brighter than me, fortunately. 3. All the rigamarole I'll have to sort through on the accounts that I don't have logins for--utilities, personal cards, car insurance, etc.--I wonder if companies run into this situation often? My guess is yes. We probably aren't the only couple in America that divides up responsibilities and doesn't sit down to exchange passwords and account information. Luckily we have each other's phone lock codes, otherwise I'd really be screwed. Off to the bank on Monday to get some things in motion. 4. Casey's newfoun...
2 comments
Read more

Visit Information

Hello Friends and Family, First of all, thank you thank you thank you for all your words of support, your prayers, gifts of good thoughts, positivity, and well wishes. It all helps, believe me! We are truly grateful and feel blessed to have the absolute best network of wonderful human beings--HUGS! I'm using this blog to update folks on, well, pretty much everything that comes across my mind, so feel free to check in if you're wondering what's going on. I write things down because I'm making lists, lists, lists constantly, and also because writing helps me figure out whether I'm coming of going from one minute to the next. I'm processing things through language. My heart is cracked wide open and everything is spilling out through my words, as Jon is working really hard to find his again. So some logistical things first. Just want to tell you what to expect if you are up to a visit to the ICU to see Jon, so you don't run into any surprises. He is in K...
2 comments
Read more